E3: Bulletstorm

Out came Cliffy B to the E3 stage to show off Epic's latest offering, Bulletstorm. And then I retched. Not at Cliffy B's ever-increasing smug douchiness, no, I retched at Bulletstorm. Sure, the graphics are nice, and the over-the-top gameplay is something you and I should like, but.. Argh, the voice acting is awful! That is a forgivable sin, but argh the script is fucking AWFUL. Those in a pair can be just barely forgivable, but ARGH, an enemy just made fart noises upon being shot in the ass. Fart noises? In my game? It's more likely than you think. And more annoying too. We're not 12 anymore, Cliffy. I understand you're making this game over-the-top, but that doesn't mean you have to go all Terrance-and-fucking-Phillip on us.

What say ye, o faithful readers of OBG? Yay or nay on Bulletstorm?

E3: Assassin's Creed Brotherhood

I haven't played Assassin's Creed since the first installment. Stop judging me for being a game blogger and not having played a ton of good games!

Ahem.

I haven't played Assassin's Creed since the first installment. Ubisoft just won me back with the Assassin's Creed Brotherhood multiplayer. The following extremely well crafted trailer illustrates the game of cat-and-mouse we can expect. If the multiplayer isn't really your switchblade up the sleeve, try this trailer instead. Of course, neither of these are showing any real gameplay, but regardless.. I'm a sucker for trailers that fuse cinematic action seamlessly with a dope track. Ubisoft did it once before with Massive Attack's Tear Drop, and now they do it again with These New Puritans' We Want War.

E3: Metroid Other M

Sweet merciful Zebes, what the fuck happened to Metroid Other M? When we last heard from the Team Ninja and Nintendo collaboration, it's mix of stylistic gameplay and fly cinematics was getting me hard. Now we have.. This shit. Two solid minutes of in game action which produces 45 seconds of ball rolling, and another 30 seconds of first person visor-views. What the fuck, really?! Where is the Metroid meets Ninja Gaiden action we saw in the first trailer?

SMH, Team Ninja, SM-effing-H. If Tomonobu Itagaki were still at the helm of Team Ninja, this trailer would be a minute and thirty seconds of Samus backflipping and wave-ray blasting and missile launching and Ridley DDTing and running through Metroids leaving a trail of pureed jelly in her wake. And then her boobs bouncing for a good thirty seconds more. SIGH, I think I have a crush on Itagaki-san.

Here's the trailer. I dare you not to fall asleep.

E3: Fallout On-Line?

Fallout Online is happening. As a fan of Fallout 3, I'm mildly interested in seeing what this has to offer. Click the link above for a disgustingly slow loading webpage. Seriously, Interplay you guys need to speed that load up. Did I just say Interplay? Yes, Bethesda seemingly has nothing to do with this title, it's back in Interplay's hands, who were responsible for Fallout and Fallout 2. Good or bad? You tell me. No really, can you tell me if that's good or bad? I've never played either of the first two Fallouts.

Here is that horribly slow loading website again. Click it. Then go make love to your woman. Then come back to see that the website is still loading. Once it's done loading, bask in the ambiance. Caps, a pistol, some Polaroids, old time jazz, the whole shebang. It'll ask you to sign up for their mailing list, which I normally wouldn't suggest, but doing could grant you access to the beta. So, you might wanna do it. And really, would I ever steer your wrong, dear reader?

E3: Dead Space 2

I never played Dead Space. It looked intriguing, but time and money constraints just didn't allow me to give it a shot. After I saw this Dead Space 2 gameplay demo.. Holy hell. I need to buy Dead Space and get into this series, because this sequel looks absolutely ridiculous!

Just watch it. Both parts. It's about 7 minutes of gameplay, and every second of it is worth your valuable time. Let's be honest, you're probably reading this at work or school, so I'm sure you have nothing better to do anyway. But I digress, watch it now!

E3: Portal 2

The original Portal was a game that snuck up on a lot of people last year. When I first saw the trailer, I knew it had some serious potential. If fact, I purchased The Orange Box strictly for Portal, and hardly played anything but that (HL2 and TF2 purists can bite me). As brilliant as it was, the game wasn't without it's faults. Mainly, it was too damn short!

Portal 2, hopefully, looks to rectify the length of it's predecessor while keeping the addictive gameplay, stiff difficulty, and quirky humor. GLaDOS wants to put our differences behind her. For science. You monsters.

Shit just got real. I'll consider this a purchase on your part, because if you don't buy it, you're crazy man! The question will be, can Valve give us $60 worth of gameplay, or will they charge us less for another game we can beat in a few hours?

E3: Super Scribblenauts

I wanted to like the original Scribblenauts. I really did. It was a fun, if not silly romp through the English language with the Nintendo DS. What bothered me about it was that you could not control the protagonist with the d-pad, and the missions seemed way too simple. Thus, the great concept of this game was defeated. The sequel, Super Scribblenauts is looking to correct the issues I had with the first. Yes, the developers called me personally, asked me what my beefs were, and fixed them. How's that for customer satisfaction? D-pad control, deeper missions, expanded dictionary with adjectives, and an incredibly cheesy trailer.

E3: Xbox Live

According to some hotshot at Microsoft, there are a lot of great changes and additions in store for Xbox live. First and foremost, Netflix for XBL is no longer borderline worthless, as you can now search for titles to add to your instant queue right from your Xbox. What a novel idea! Some other things were said, blah blah blah, who cares. The only other thing of interest is probably the ESPN content streaming over XBL. Watching ESPN programming on your 360 is pretty cool. Taking ESPN trivia, declaring team allegiance and polling your online friends about their favorite teams, not so much. But it's the idea that counts, right?

E3: Golden Eye

The remake I have been waiting ages for. Now that it's been announced, I'm not so sure about it. I realize GoldenEye is originally a Nintendo game, but to put this on Wii as opposed to 360/PS3 is a step in the wrong direction. Does anyone even play Wii games online? Imagine having an 8 player slap match over Xbox live? I can't. Well, not anymore, now that GoldenEye has been announced for Wii. And did the trailer just say play as 8 classic Bond characters? Didn't the original GoldenEye have somewhere close to 40 selectable multiplayer skins? I want to play as the dude in the banana-yellow jumpsuit, damn it!

E3: Fable III

Peter Molyneux talks a good game. A master of hyperbole, his games are always cutting edge, revolutionary, on the door step amazing and uncharted video game territory. While the Fable games have never lived up to the Peter Molyneux Hype Machine, they've always turned out to be very good games. Fable II's simple three button fighting system proved to be fun as hell; easy to learn, rewarding once it's been mastered. Lionhead Studios has itself a nice thing to build on, and while Fable III's E3 trailer doesn't show much, it doesn't have to for you to know that the game has some promise.

I can't wait to have a threesome with a whore and my neighbor's wife. Then shoot the whore in the head. And watch as my neighbor's wife's tummy swells with my child. And laugh as my neighbor realizes the child isn't his and divorces his wife. Then stab my neighbor with a falchion, and move into his property to live with his widow. After she births my child, I will raise him to be as evil as I. And after incessant nagging, I will incinerate her with a fire spell, leaving my bastard child as I venture to a new town to complete the vicious cycle again while my son begins his own life of debauchery. Oh, Fable.